Radical

So I'm reading this book right now called Radical by David Platt. I'm only halfway through but it's probably the best Christian book I've ever read. It provides challenge after challenge but also is extremely encouraging. I recommend it to everyone!!

A major point of the book is as Christians, God's heart for the world should translate to our heart for the world. Not just for where we live or a certain country but the whole world and the people inside it! Jesus and his disciples traveled far and wide to reach people in different countries and cultures to share the gospel and that's what all Christians should do. It's not that certain Christians are "called" to do missions overseas while the rest should sit in our nice suburban homes and send them money and prayer. We don't all have to move overseas to reach people in other nations, so it's time to pray and ask God how we can spread his gospel to the ends of the earth in our daily lives! Whether it be short-term missions, collecting Bibles to send to different places, discipling... with God, the possibilities are endless.

This book has also changed the way I look for a church. I'm used to a considerably large church and I loved growing up in it so naturally, the size of the church mattered in my search. However, the author, David Platt, talks about how focused our culture has become obsessed with megachurches and trying to bring as much people through the building as possible. But Jesus was a minichurch leader. He discipled 12 men and when people asked him what it took to get to heaven, he didn't say, "Pray this prayer, go to church, tithe, maybe work in the nursery if you feel like it." No way. He said to sell their possessions and give to the poor! To deny themselves and find their identity in Him! To let God completely and utterly transform you into a new person, even if that means losing your friends, family, and whatever else that must be secondary to following Christ.

Most people don't like to hear this. I don't really, either. But the most joyful and content people have followed Christ in this way. Given up everything they have to learn and teach the gospel. I have several friends who quit college to move overseas and spread the gospel! They are among the most amazing and wonderfully joyous people I know. Because they are going and making disciples and leaving behind the cushy, American-dream life so many of us fall prey to.

Don't worry, I haven't ruined the whole book for you! This is just a couple key points that have impacted me a lot... and I'm only halfway through! Go read it. Right now. It's awesome. You can borrow my copy if you like :)

God, transform me and my heart to follow you! Give me a heart for the whole world and the people in it!


**EDIT**
Ironically, I just checked Twitter and this is what one of my friends wrote:

When called, one often offers God a list of excuses. First, God isn't surprised and Second, He doesn't change His mind.

Power

God isn't just this cute old man who sits up in heaven loving everyone. Yes, he is loving but he's also strong and powerful and perfect. He has the power to change people and give them strength and peace in HUGE ways. Faith in the powerful God is much more than knowing he loves everyone. It's believing in his power that is more incredible than anyone can imagine. It's something to be feared, respected, and taken seriously.

God is not wimpy. God is not some fictional character who comes alive only in our minds. He is more real than you and me. He knows all, loves all (except sin), and is above all. He is king of everything and yet we tend to belittle him--sometimes without even realizing we're doing so.

Dream!

My new dream ... Semester at Sea!!!

A friend of mine told me about it earlier this year and another friend said she was hoping to go next summer. So naturally, given my dream to be on a cruise ship and love of traveling, I looked it up.

And fell in love.

Mid-June to mid-August, 7 countries, 9-12 credits, about $13,000-$14,000. Yes please!!! I have already started planning, budgeting, researching, and basically everything else I can think of right now. I am so excited!! I could spend my 21st birthday in EUROPE or AFRICA!!! AHH!!!

What are the 7 destinations, you ask? Well... if you count the Bahamas where we embark, it's actually 8 :) Then it's Barcelona, Spain; Civitavecchia / Naples (Rome), Italy; Dubrovnik, Croatia; Piraeus (Athens), Greece; Alexandria, Egypt; Istanbul, Turkey; and finally Casablanca, Morocco before we head home to the states via Boston, MA. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE PLACES are on my lst of places to go before I die!!!

Yes PLEASE!!!

Where did this sudden dream come from?

Like I said, I just came across it this morning looking it up online and I fell in love. At first, I got discouraged that I could never experience something as awesome as this. Then I kept thinking... Why not? What better time than in college when you can get a loan for school? Why not take advantage of that and TRAVEL at the same time? I've been so tired of mediocrity in my life lately. Instead of sitting around, moping about how predictable and mundane my life is, I'm going to do something about it. I'm going to school on a BOAT! Not very many other people can say that! (Except those who have gone through this program as well, at least)

I know it's going to be hard. I know it's going to take a LOT of planning and money to be able to go. Trust me, I've been going over it all. Plane tickets to the Bahamas. Hotel for the night in the Bahamas. Will I go alone? Will my mom come? Will I have to pay for her ticket? Will I go with my friend who may go on the same voyage? I have to renew my passport. I have to apply for work study and scholarships. I have to APPLY. I have to save and budget like never before.

I can do it. I finally have a DREAM! I have something to work towards and look forward to!!

God, it's up to your provision now! I would love to experience more of this world you have given to us to learn about and meet more of your creation in different countries!

http://www.semesteratsea.org/voyages/upcoming-voyages/summer-2012.php

Joy

This is my really good friend Abby. One thing you have to know about her--she is the most joyful person I know because she is completely in love with her Savior. THAT is exactly what makes her absolutely beautiful inside and out. I hope to be like her in this way.

Today is my 20th birthday and instead of being crazy excited like usual, I've had a tough issue weighing on my heart. What is the point of life? I haven't found my passion (for Abby, it's missions photography and she absolutely adores it!) and that bothers me. What am I here for? Why can't I find something that excites me and gives me a purpose?

I read the first half of Ecclesiastes this morning. I didn't really want to at first... I was afraid it would make me feel even more frustrated with the meaninglessness of life. Boy, was I wrong! I found joy in the midst of these few seemingly joyless chapters. Yes, everything in life is meaningless. Especially compared to the glory of God. So what shall we do with life then?

Enjoy it!

For a while, this answer bothered me. It seemed like the only way anyone really enjoyed life was through drinking, partying, and basically anything that gave pleasure in the moment only to be followed by regret, remorse, and guilt. I'm not too fond of any of the above. Am I doomed to live a joyless life?

On the contrary! I realized the most fun I've had in my life was in high school when my best friends and I did crazy things (example: tortilla-ing another friend's car... it's exactly as it sounds) and we didn't have to disobey God to do it! I look back on all those memories with fondness--not regret.

Maybe this is my new passion in life. To enjoy myself in a way that's pleasing to God! And to show others that having a great life can be pleasing to God and lived without regrets. I love reading and being with friends and even watching TV. I ADORE having my own apartment and decorating it and shopping. All of these things bring me joy! Are the meaningless? Yes. They won't secure my place in heaven or make my life any more memorable when I'm gone. Do I care? No! These are all gifts from God meant for me to enjoy.

But above all, feeling close to God and bringing Him joy through my life brings me joy. THIS, however, isn't meaningless in the least!


So I decided there is nothing better than to enjoy food and drink and to find satisfaction in work. Then I realized that these pleasures are from the hand of God. For who can eat or enjoy anything apart from Him? ~ Ecclesiastes 2:24-25

Home.

Blessed. So so blessed. McKinney will always be my home. I look at pictures of Stampede going on this week (it's an annual middle school outreach that always ends up being EVERYONE's favorite week of the summer) and my heart is full. I love Stampede! God bless Jeff and the rest of the staff for coming up with the idea years ago... it has blossomed to be a phenomenon!!! Day 3 hasn't even started yet and 13 kids already accepted Christ!!! AHHH!!!! God is Amazing :) My heart aches to be there with them, decked out in some crazy color and acting insane along with hundreds of middle school kids. But I am there in spirit and prayer. Keep it up God, let your FAME be the center of this week!!! :)

To get a feel of this amazing, God-centered week, go here: http://www.fame11.com/ and join with me in prayer for these beloved middle schoolers!!!

Beauty

Lessons

I'm reading through the Bible (supposedly in a year but it's already been a year and I'm only in Mark...) and there's a big thing that I've been noticing--everything he does is to teach a lesson. I know that seems like the most obvious statement ever... and it is. But not only does he preach messages to huge crowds, there's a lot of implications and actions and all that other stuff that he seems to plan to teach someone something.

Just like when he performs miracles and tells the people not to tell anyone. He doesn't want that attention. He healed a leper and told him to offer the proper sacrifice to God in order to show that he had been healed. He wanted the credit to go to God, not himself. If anyone but the real messiah performed miracles, they would want that credit to prove that he was who he said he was! Jesus was the messiah though--that's all he needed to convince others. Not his miracles or power or anything... he just was. And because of that, he wanted all the credit to go to his Father.

Another thing that baffles me is that Jesus prayed. He was God... and yet he still prayed. He even stressed the importance of prayer. I don't really pray that much at all. I know I should but I either forget or my mind wanders or something. But if JESUS prays.... what makes me think I'm ok not praying?

(Sorry if this is all jumbled... I'm not the best writer.)

Truth

One down... :)

Well, a fork is now gone. New stage in life.... So far it's not so bad :P

Decisions

What if you have a fork in the road with two life-changing decisions... and both of them are equally viable? What if I could picture my life in complete happiness no matter which choice I make?

What if there are two forks.... and therefore four completely satisfying options?

Oh, life.

Wisdom

I'm so tired of girls giving up everything for some scummy guy who makes her feel the least bit special. If you have everyone you care about in your life warn you about someone, that is not something to be ignored. Those people love you and are sharing wisdom with you--they aren't trying to control or manipulate you.

For my film project!

Watch it now!

Time...

Today is my last day of classes at CCU then finals next week. It still really hasn't hit me yet but I know it will soon and I'm dreading that... I'm just praying that God will grant me amazing friends at Art Institute like he has here at CCU. Maybe this is why my family moved to Colorado with me... So I can still be around my CCU friends (and be an honorary RAR for Boondocks!) while going to a different school. I have a feeling that I will be incredibly grateful for their encouragement to me already at AI.

So instead of being sad that I'm leaving, I'm going to try to be excited for what God has in store. It's not really good-bye after all... I won't be living at CCU but I will be able to keep a connection with the school and my amazing friends.

Blessed

Dedicated to one of the best weeks of my life filled with little moments that have meant everything to me <3

God is good!

I get to see my beautiful niece Cadence tonight! God is good and He is on our side :) I can't even imagine how much more excited Andrea is!

Oh, Boys...

I'm a control freak. When I like a guy, I try to go out of my way to "run into" them or try to think of a legitimate excuse to text them (not just "hey what's up"). With ever guy I find an interest in, I feel as though he may be my last hope. For love, safety, a future, and whatever else may come from it.

And yet, I never am truly upfront with them about it, let alone date them. A friend of my just recently told me I act very stand-offish around guys, especially one I like. I'm afraid of getting hurt or humiliated so I wait for them to come to me. Well, that has yet to happen. There are times where I struggle with this a lot and ask God why I go unnoticed.

I'm a control freak. I can't control this. I can't make this happen, which is probably why I can convince myself (too easily, possibly) that it will never happen for me. What does that say about me? If I can't do something on my own, it won't ever work out? I feel like I can trust God with other things way easier than with this and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because it's one of my deepest longings. God knows that. So why would he ignore that?

Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.
Psalm 37:4

 

Joy!

Last night my sister texted me saying "I forgot to tell you, I asked Jesus into my heart yesterday :)"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Words cannot express how excited I was/am!! I literally danced around my apartment with my roommate Sarah and when we got too hot to stand being inside, we skipped around campus :) I then proceeded to text all of my friends who had been praying for her with the good news :)

God is so good!!!

Praise God!!!

What Satan means for evil, God uses for good :)

Things are still hard but Andrea is no longer only my blood sister, but also my sister in Christ!


This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!
2 Corinthians 5:17

God is on our side.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.
       When you cross rivers, you will not drown.
    When you walk through fire, you will not be burned,
       nor will the flames hurt you.
Isaiah 43:2

I love the Lord because he hears my voice
      and my prayer for mercy.
 Because he bends down to listen,
      I will pray as long as I have breath! 
Psalm 116:1-2

The Lord is for me, so I will have no fear.
      What can mere people do to me?
 Yes, the Lord is for me; he will help me.
      I will look in triumph at those who hate me.  
Psalm 118:6-7

The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.
James 5:16b

Why, God?

I've never been one to ask God why. I always knew there was a reason for something, no matter what it was.

I'm asking now.

Exhibit A

I always thought it was weird to "get to know yourself." You are yourself. You know pretty much everything about yourself, except why you feel certain things at certain times. I know God knows more about myself than I do, but I thought that was always just because He does understand why I feel certain things at certain times.

Then when you "learn" stuff about yourself, how are you supposed to feel? Usually more confident. But you usually already know all the stuff you just "learned" about yourself. So really, "learning" about yourself is looking at yourself in a way where you can be ok with who you are and what you're all about.


Self-confidence is a funny thing. I always have been afraid of seeming like I think I'm way cooler than I really am and have people set me straight through mockery or ignoring my presence. But really, I know I'm a goof. I know I say the wrong things sometimes and look like a complete idiot. So what? I'm me and wishing I was someone else has never really helped my self-pity or non-self-confidence. Might as well be as me as I can be.

I love how I say all these things but sometimes completely forget and let myself fade to the background.

It's late so this probably doesn't make any sense. But I don't really care what you think -- welcome to my confusing brain. It's like this 24/7. Except I think more in scenes so putting it into words doesn't work all that well sometimes.... this post is Exhibit A.

Well...

I got accepted to Biola. A month or so ago, I would be thrilled out of my mind. Now, I'm pretty sure it's not an option for me anymore.

I almost wish the two choices I have to decide between were more legit. Like, "Should I be a missionary or a pastor? Is my passion for sex-trafficking or gangs in the inner city? Will I open my own orphanage or take in tons of foster kids?"

Nope. For some reason I'm not wired that way. God hasn't really given me a passion for any of those (although maybe later in life the foster kid thing may kick in but we'll see). Instead, it's film or interior design? Neither seem like very "Christian-y" jobs, especially compared to the others.

I know this is the wrong outlook on my situation, though. God can use me wherever and my mission field may be in the film industry or the interior design business. Or I could combine them and make my mission field in the set designer world.

In all honesty, I'm leaning more towards interior design. I love film but I'm not sure if that's the path for me, unless I can become a set designer.

Too bad Biola doesn't have an interior design program. Plus, it's way expensive. More so than CCU and I wouldn't get as good of a scholarship there. I know God can provide if that is really the place for me but he hasn't yet. Maybe that's a sign that I belong elsewhere.

So I'm considering CSU. It still scares me to death, maybe even more so than Biola. It's a state school and that terrifies me. What if I get lost in the shuffle? How would I find amazing friends coming in my junior year? Who would I live with?

God, I know you're in control. Help me to trust you and know what you want me to do next semester. I'm waiting. Please show me.

Intimate Thoughts

But it was to us that God revealed these things by his Spirit. For his Spirit searches out everything and shows us God’s deep secrets. No one can know a person’s thoughts except that person’s own spirit, and no one can know God’s thoughts except God’s own Spirit. And we have received God’s Spirit (not the world’s spirit), so we can know the wonderful things God has freely given us.
- 1 Corinthians 2:10-12


How amazing is that?! We can know God’s thoughts through his Holy Spirit so God giving us his Holy Spirit means that he wants us to know his thoughts! Sharing thoughts is a huge part of an intimate relationship and that’s what God wants with us. He wants to share his thoughts with us, not cruelly keep them from us. Not saying he has an obligation to share every single thought with us. He’s God, he does what he wants and he can keep stuff from us. But he can share his thoughts with us whenever he wants and he will, otherwise he would not have sent the Holy Spirit to live in us.


GOD WANTS TO SHARE HIS THOUGHTS WITH YOU!
 
Are you listening? I know I need to work on that…

Plans

I'm almost halfway through college (if I only go four years). That terrifies me. I revert back to elementary school with the question, "What do I want to do with I grow up?" Film? Interior design? Or both? Zhanna suggested set designer. That could be my dream job right there. Just one problem--I've had my heart set on Biola for transferring. They have an amazing film program but no interior design. Crap.

What do I do?

Trust God. Easier said than done. I'm a planner and have been for all my life. I've always known I wanted to go to college. Check. And have a family. No check on that yet... We'll see what God has in store. But as for my career? I've jumped around every other month that the answer to that question but never stuck with anything.

Whoever reads this blog, keep me accountable. I want to trust God completely with this. I want to follow him as he leads me where I need to go. I have no idea where that is. I want this fear to turn into excitement.

Trust.

I'm scared. I have no idea what I want to do with my life but something (God, I'm sure) is telling me I'm probably not going to stay at CCU next year. I would be a lot more OK with this if I knew where I was going. But I have no idea. Biola is my best guess, but what if I don't get in? And there's a possibility I could get into the school but not the film program. My main reason for going to Biola is for film (and the beach, of course). But what if I'm not going to be in film? What then? My only back-up would be interior design, but where would I do that? I considered Baylor for that... but tuition is $40,000. HOLY CRAP. That's more than Biola and that would be enough of a stretch.

Honestly, I would be ok if my life just dropped off after this semester. It's a coward move, I know. But what am I going to do?

Trust. Trust that God will point me in the right direction. I've never had to trust God with such a big thing before... So I'm scared. I've always had my life planned out... up until after college. Now my lack of planning my future is stressing me out. But God already planned it out. Now I've got to trust him. It would be so much easier if I didn't feel like puking or sleeping until graduation. But since when are things like this easy?

When it rains, it pours huh?

Instead of a Show by Jon Foreman

I listened to this song in the shower today and my initial thought was "Wow, SO many people need to hear this. I'm sure God is sick and tired of all of the shows they put on for Him instead of worshiping them with righteous lives."

Then I stopped and it was almost like God smacked me in the face or gave me one of those "you're kidding me" looks.

I do this all the time. I read a Bible verse or hear a sermon and think "Wow, _______ really needs to hear this." My first instinct is never to learn how it applies to my life.

God must hate the shows I put on too. Instead of living a righteous life inside and outside, I just live a righteous life outside. I sing my heart out to certain worship songs because sometimes I just like the way my voice sounds in that key. 

Lately, I've been frustrated with my relationship with God. But am I really trying to pursue him, live out "an endless procession of righteous living," or just putting on a show? 

Another initial thought I had when listening to this song was, "Wow, some people are going to be pissed at this lyric. And this one. And that one."

Because part of me was too. I like my show. I feel and look Christian-y without really having to be.

Too bad God can see through it all.

How frustrating must it be for Him to know our hearts so thoroughly? We look like we are praising Him but He knows our true motives. He just wants us to love him. Then we won't have to put on a show. It will be the real thing. 

Let's argue this out
If your sins are blood red
Let's argue this out
You be one of the clouds
Let's argue this out
Quit fooling around

We can argue with God all we want about whether or not we are putting on a show or if it's even that bad to do.

SPOILER!!! God's going to win. We're going to lose.

Wow...

People can be so lost, it just hurts. There's a church in Texas that supports homosexuality and has a video defending it on their website. A lot of what the guy is saying is basically that the Bible isn't infallible therefore we can't really trust it. He says the Bible was written by dozens of people over centuries with tons of different translation. That is absolutely correct. But then he says that that is why we can't really trust it. Yes, there are many different translations but they all basically say the same thing. All Scripture is inspired by God, how can we not trust it if we believe in God's power and sovereignty? And isn't the fact that the Bible was written by many different people of different cultures and time periods but it still has a consistent message throughout actually strengthen it? He then goes on to say that the Bible can't be read and understood completely by average readers but they have to be well-educated in order to do so. I am way less educated than Billy Graham and my pastors from home but I still am able to read the Bible and have God teach me through it. Martin Luther translated the Bible into common language so people could read it for themselves and not be fooled by false teachers.

I believe homosexuality is a sin just as much as lying, cheating, and murdering. And no, my heterosexuality doesn't save me and someone's homosexuality won't prevent them from knowing God. But in the presence of God, is it really something to argue with him about, defending homosexuality? Especially when the Bible openly says it's wrong. I'm afraid to defend my lying and cheating to him because in his eyes, it's all impurity. One thing I love about Christ is his love and mercy despite our faults. "Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace?" (Romans 6:1)

The Bible is God-breathed, we can't just ignore it or rationalize out of what it is saying.

I believe my lying is on the same level sin-wise in God's eyes as homosexuality. I know lying is wrong but I slip up sometimes. I know some people struggle with homosexuality. That won't prevent them from being a Christian anymore than someone who struggles with lying. But if someone can take a verse from the Bible:

Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God.
1 Corinthians 6:9-10

and rationalize that practicing homosexuality really doesn't count because of this and this and this and this, can we also rationalize out of sexual sin, worship idols, and the rest?



I don't know everything. I suck just as much as everyone else. I lie and cheat and steal and sin but God loves me and doesn't want me to sit in my sin. He wants to transform my life and have me turn from my sin to follow him.

Incompetent

I suck as a blogger. I don't have anything particularly inspirational or life-changing to say. I read through a friend's entire blog today and cried several times--both tears of relentless joy and sorrow. I can't move people to tears with my words like she can.

Maybe it's just not my gift. But who cares. It's my life and I'll blog if I want to.

I've been missing my home lately. I even had a dream about driving around Fort Worth and I woke up frustrated to see I was back in Colorado. My dad hates that I just can't get over it. I can't really explain why I love it so much. It's hot. It's humid. There's no pretty scenery. Traffic sucks. Drivers suck (although, I do too and I purposefully keep my Texas driver habits to hold on to something from home). It takes forever to go anywhere.

But it's also where I grew up. Where I made the best friends of my life. Where God blessed me with an amazing church family. I had no idea how hard it was to find one of those until I left. Sorry dad. Colorado is great but my heart will forever be in Fort Worth.

I love looking through the facebooks of my friends who still are blessed to experience McKinney as I did. Secretly, I was afraid what would happen to the youth group once my class left because we just seemed so epic. HA! Why did I worry? It's far from perfect but God has always been the center of that youth group and that's not going to change anytime soon.

My wonderful friends at McKinney, I stalk you. I love seeing how God is moving. It gives me hope. You will always be my family.

As you can see, I struggle with living in the past. I'm working on it. But I have made amazing friends and memories in Denver as well. I wouldn't trade them for the world. I have grown so much here, especially in the past 8 or so months and I know this is where God wants me to be right now.

First attempt!

My first video project :) With a TON of help from my wonderful roomies Sarah and Zhanna <3

Deep breath and...

I've been stressing a lot lately. Why in the world do I think I have a shot at being in the film program at Biola? I've had 0 experience. What if I suck? Then what do I do?

But then yesterday I realized if this is really what God wants me to do, he will give me the talent or the drive to learn as much as I can. If this is God's plan for my life, nothing can stop me, not even my own incompetence. And if this isn't God's plan for my life... well... I hope he'll let me know! I just turned in my applications for Biola and the Cinema and Media Arts Department today so it's all in God's hands now.

Luckily, if I do end up going to Biola one of my roommates may transfer with me! It would be so good to have a familiar face around.

So God, it's all in your hands.



Your own ears will hear him.
      Right behind you a voice will say,
   “This is the way you should go,”
      whether to the right or to the left.

Isaiah 30:21

Delimma

I hate how my top two career choices aren't offered at CCU.

Film.

or

Interior Design.


Dear CCU,
Please have one of these majors. That would make life so much easier.
Love,
Melanie

Late Night Rants

So I've started a blog a couple times but never really stuck with it. I doubt I'll stick to this one either. But it's 1 am and I can't sleep. I've been staying up until at least 2 every night this week watching Greek -- new favorite show and I'm in love with Cappie -- but I only have 5 episodes left to watch and I'm not ready to be done with it yet. So I'm procrastinating. Like I do with everything else.

Had a near-break down last night and was texting my roommate about it. I'm considering transferring to Biola to become a film major. The early action application is due next Saturday and I'm kind of freaking out about it. I have no experience whatsoever in film but I think I may enjoy it so I'm taking a production class at CCU this semester to find out. Unfortunately, CCU doesn't have a film program so I'm not exactly sure how this class will pan out but I hope it will give me an idea. But Biola is more expensive than CCU and I was hoping to get a certain scholarship to help me out. Sucky part is that I have to have a 3.75 GPA for this scholarship but I have a 3.748 so I have to go to the next scholarship which is $3,000 less. This is what triggered my freak out last night. And what if I'm not good at film? What if I end up hating it? I guess I would stay at CCU in that instance. Hopefully if that happens I'll be able to be an RA next year (I'm applying to Biola and to be an RA at CCU within the next 2 weeks). If I stay at CCU, should I continue to be a Communications major? Then what would I do with that degree?

A few weeks ago Sarah said I was having a quarter-life crisis. Sounds about right to me.

I know that God has a plan for me no matter what I decide to do. Now I just need help with the decision part. I'm not freaking out as much anymore, although I am still a bit uneasy. But hopefully this production class could help me decide whether or not this is what I want to do. Plus, Sarah and Ellie and I are hoping to go visit Biola over spring break so I can tour the school. And even though I apply to Biola doesn't mean I have to commit to it. It's just an option.

And what part of video production would I want to do? I don't want to be famous or live in New York or LA. If I have a family with kids one day I want to raise them in a suburb, not a big city with snooty kids. If that were to happen, I would have to gain a lot more self control to keep myself from smacking the crap out of those brats and their pompous parents. No, I would rather live somewhere like Seattle or Charleston. Hopefully in an awesome loft that looks like the inside of an Anthropologie store but about a million times cheaper. But when it comes to film, could I still make a decent living not famous or living in the big entertainment cities? I'm sure I could... I really have no idea.

It's time to go back to school so I can hash this out with my roommates.



Here's another worry of mine: boys. I think my view about guys has been screwed up, thanks to my older sister. She is SO dependent on guys and all of her boyfriends have sucked. Right now she's living with her boyfriend/baby daddy and it's nothing but drama. They broke up yesterday and I was so glad because I thought MAYBE she could finally learn that when you depend your entire life on a guy, you end up unhappy. She's always been unhappy because she settles for crappy guys. All this boyfriend does is play video games and mooch off of Andrea to buy more. He even said to her yesterday that he was only living with her to play his games. And she still took him back "looking out for Cadence's best interests." It is not in her best interest for her mom to be so dependent on a loser. It's in her best interest for her mom to become independent and happy in order to raise Cadence to be the same way.

What does this have to do with my boy problems? Well, I've never had a boyfriend which really bothered me for a long time until just recently. I always thought something was wrong with me because I've never experienced that part of life even though Andrea has experienced it enough for the both of us. Until just recently, I've never liked a guy who liked me back. Turns out, we liked each other at the end of last semester and didn't realize it. We started "talking" a few weeks ago but I didn't have peace about him so I asked to just be friends. Apparently he was relieved because he didn't really like me (even though he flirted with me hardcore) but instead liked my best friend slash direct roommate. Life is just grand sometimes. I'm still a bit bitter about the whole thing but I'm over him. He was a jerk for leading me on like that anyway.

I still can't quite figure out what I've learned from that situation. I am proud to say, though, that I did not revert back to my self-deprecating shell because of it. That's huge for me. If this were to happen a few months ago, I would have gotten super depressed and tell myself how I should have expected this and I'm just not __________ enough or else he would have liked me. Blah blah blah. But not this time. Thanks to the suckiest semester of my life, I was actually able to grow quite a bit these past few months. At least, enough to break my self-deprecating habit. Not completely yet, but still quite a bit.

I guard my heart really well. Maybe too well. I don't want to give my heart to any guy who passes by like my dear big sis. I love her but I don't want to be like her. I imagine my heart to be locked up in a steel trunk, kind of like the ones in Harry Potter, hoping that at some point God will show me a guy who holds the key (cheesy metaphor but just go with it). Or maybe I have the key and will give it to him. Who knows. Something that stumps me: what if I've made it too hard for a guy to earn that key? Going further with that thought: I'm not _______ enough for a guy to want to earn that key. Once again, self-deprecation. God tells me that that's not true. I am ________ enough for a guy to want to earn the key and pursue that key. God has made me with all my characteristics, including my slight commitment-phobia, so who's to say that I'm not enough or even too much?

Sarah says I'm going to be one of those girls who ends up marrying my first and only boyfriend. I hope so. I don't want to give my heart away just to have it handed back to me in a slightly worse state than before. I'm not saying that dating different people throughout your life is wrong. I know plenty of people who have dated and experience break ups but have become stronger and more confident because of it. I don't doubt that could happen to me too. I would just rather save my heart for whoever God has planned for me. There is no reason for this to not happen for me, contrary to what I've told myself for years.

BUT. This life shouldn't be about who I will potentially marry and my life with him. It should be about my relationship with God. I don't have to wait around for God because I already have him. I lose sight of that more often than I care to admit.