Late Night Rants

So I've started a blog a couple times but never really stuck with it. I doubt I'll stick to this one either. But it's 1 am and I can't sleep. I've been staying up until at least 2 every night this week watching Greek -- new favorite show and I'm in love with Cappie -- but I only have 5 episodes left to watch and I'm not ready to be done with it yet. So I'm procrastinating. Like I do with everything else.

Had a near-break down last night and was texting my roommate about it. I'm considering transferring to Biola to become a film major. The early action application is due next Saturday and I'm kind of freaking out about it. I have no experience whatsoever in film but I think I may enjoy it so I'm taking a production class at CCU this semester to find out. Unfortunately, CCU doesn't have a film program so I'm not exactly sure how this class will pan out but I hope it will give me an idea. But Biola is more expensive than CCU and I was hoping to get a certain scholarship to help me out. Sucky part is that I have to have a 3.75 GPA for this scholarship but I have a 3.748 so I have to go to the next scholarship which is $3,000 less. This is what triggered my freak out last night. And what if I'm not good at film? What if I end up hating it? I guess I would stay at CCU in that instance. Hopefully if that happens I'll be able to be an RA next year (I'm applying to Biola and to be an RA at CCU within the next 2 weeks). If I stay at CCU, should I continue to be a Communications major? Then what would I do with that degree?

A few weeks ago Sarah said I was having a quarter-life crisis. Sounds about right to me.

I know that God has a plan for me no matter what I decide to do. Now I just need help with the decision part. I'm not freaking out as much anymore, although I am still a bit uneasy. But hopefully this production class could help me decide whether or not this is what I want to do. Plus, Sarah and Ellie and I are hoping to go visit Biola over spring break so I can tour the school. And even though I apply to Biola doesn't mean I have to commit to it. It's just an option.

And what part of video production would I want to do? I don't want to be famous or live in New York or LA. If I have a family with kids one day I want to raise them in a suburb, not a big city with snooty kids. If that were to happen, I would have to gain a lot more self control to keep myself from smacking the crap out of those brats and their pompous parents. No, I would rather live somewhere like Seattle or Charleston. Hopefully in an awesome loft that looks like the inside of an Anthropologie store but about a million times cheaper. But when it comes to film, could I still make a decent living not famous or living in the big entertainment cities? I'm sure I could... I really have no idea.

It's time to go back to school so I can hash this out with my roommates.



Here's another worry of mine: boys. I think my view about guys has been screwed up, thanks to my older sister. She is SO dependent on guys and all of her boyfriends have sucked. Right now she's living with her boyfriend/baby daddy and it's nothing but drama. They broke up yesterday and I was so glad because I thought MAYBE she could finally learn that when you depend your entire life on a guy, you end up unhappy. She's always been unhappy because she settles for crappy guys. All this boyfriend does is play video games and mooch off of Andrea to buy more. He even said to her yesterday that he was only living with her to play his games. And she still took him back "looking out for Cadence's best interests." It is not in her best interest for her mom to be so dependent on a loser. It's in her best interest for her mom to become independent and happy in order to raise Cadence to be the same way.

What does this have to do with my boy problems? Well, I've never had a boyfriend which really bothered me for a long time until just recently. I always thought something was wrong with me because I've never experienced that part of life even though Andrea has experienced it enough for the both of us. Until just recently, I've never liked a guy who liked me back. Turns out, we liked each other at the end of last semester and didn't realize it. We started "talking" a few weeks ago but I didn't have peace about him so I asked to just be friends. Apparently he was relieved because he didn't really like me (even though he flirted with me hardcore) but instead liked my best friend slash direct roommate. Life is just grand sometimes. I'm still a bit bitter about the whole thing but I'm over him. He was a jerk for leading me on like that anyway.

I still can't quite figure out what I've learned from that situation. I am proud to say, though, that I did not revert back to my self-deprecating shell because of it. That's huge for me. If this were to happen a few months ago, I would have gotten super depressed and tell myself how I should have expected this and I'm just not __________ enough or else he would have liked me. Blah blah blah. But not this time. Thanks to the suckiest semester of my life, I was actually able to grow quite a bit these past few months. At least, enough to break my self-deprecating habit. Not completely yet, but still quite a bit.

I guard my heart really well. Maybe too well. I don't want to give my heart to any guy who passes by like my dear big sis. I love her but I don't want to be like her. I imagine my heart to be locked up in a steel trunk, kind of like the ones in Harry Potter, hoping that at some point God will show me a guy who holds the key (cheesy metaphor but just go with it). Or maybe I have the key and will give it to him. Who knows. Something that stumps me: what if I've made it too hard for a guy to earn that key? Going further with that thought: I'm not _______ enough for a guy to want to earn that key. Once again, self-deprecation. God tells me that that's not true. I am ________ enough for a guy to want to earn the key and pursue that key. God has made me with all my characteristics, including my slight commitment-phobia, so who's to say that I'm not enough or even too much?

Sarah says I'm going to be one of those girls who ends up marrying my first and only boyfriend. I hope so. I don't want to give my heart away just to have it handed back to me in a slightly worse state than before. I'm not saying that dating different people throughout your life is wrong. I know plenty of people who have dated and experience break ups but have become stronger and more confident because of it. I don't doubt that could happen to me too. I would just rather save my heart for whoever God has planned for me. There is no reason for this to not happen for me, contrary to what I've told myself for years.

BUT. This life shouldn't be about who I will potentially marry and my life with him. It should be about my relationship with God. I don't have to wait around for God because I already have him. I lose sight of that more often than I care to admit.