Exhibit A

I always thought it was weird to "get to know yourself." You are yourself. You know pretty much everything about yourself, except why you feel certain things at certain times. I know God knows more about myself than I do, but I thought that was always just because He does understand why I feel certain things at certain times.

Then when you "learn" stuff about yourself, how are you supposed to feel? Usually more confident. But you usually already know all the stuff you just "learned" about yourself. So really, "learning" about yourself is looking at yourself in a way where you can be ok with who you are and what you're all about.


Self-confidence is a funny thing. I always have been afraid of seeming like I think I'm way cooler than I really am and have people set me straight through mockery or ignoring my presence. But really, I know I'm a goof. I know I say the wrong things sometimes and look like a complete idiot. So what? I'm me and wishing I was someone else has never really helped my self-pity or non-self-confidence. Might as well be as me as I can be.

I love how I say all these things but sometimes completely forget and let myself fade to the background.

It's late so this probably doesn't make any sense. But I don't really care what you think -- welcome to my confusing brain. It's like this 24/7. Except I think more in scenes so putting it into words doesn't work all that well sometimes.... this post is Exhibit A.

Well...

I got accepted to Biola. A month or so ago, I would be thrilled out of my mind. Now, I'm pretty sure it's not an option for me anymore.

I almost wish the two choices I have to decide between were more legit. Like, "Should I be a missionary or a pastor? Is my passion for sex-trafficking or gangs in the inner city? Will I open my own orphanage or take in tons of foster kids?"

Nope. For some reason I'm not wired that way. God hasn't really given me a passion for any of those (although maybe later in life the foster kid thing may kick in but we'll see). Instead, it's film or interior design? Neither seem like very "Christian-y" jobs, especially compared to the others.

I know this is the wrong outlook on my situation, though. God can use me wherever and my mission field may be in the film industry or the interior design business. Or I could combine them and make my mission field in the set designer world.

In all honesty, I'm leaning more towards interior design. I love film but I'm not sure if that's the path for me, unless I can become a set designer.

Too bad Biola doesn't have an interior design program. Plus, it's way expensive. More so than CCU and I wouldn't get as good of a scholarship there. I know God can provide if that is really the place for me but he hasn't yet. Maybe that's a sign that I belong elsewhere.

So I'm considering CSU. It still scares me to death, maybe even more so than Biola. It's a state school and that terrifies me. What if I get lost in the shuffle? How would I find amazing friends coming in my junior year? Who would I live with?

God, I know you're in control. Help me to trust you and know what you want me to do next semester. I'm waiting. Please show me.

Intimate Thoughts

But it was to us that God revealed these things by his Spirit. For his Spirit searches out everything and shows us God’s deep secrets. No one can know a person’s thoughts except that person’s own spirit, and no one can know God’s thoughts except God’s own Spirit. And we have received God’s Spirit (not the world’s spirit), so we can know the wonderful things God has freely given us.
- 1 Corinthians 2:10-12


How amazing is that?! We can know God’s thoughts through his Holy Spirit so God giving us his Holy Spirit means that he wants us to know his thoughts! Sharing thoughts is a huge part of an intimate relationship and that’s what God wants with us. He wants to share his thoughts with us, not cruelly keep them from us. Not saying he has an obligation to share every single thought with us. He’s God, he does what he wants and he can keep stuff from us. But he can share his thoughts with us whenever he wants and he will, otherwise he would not have sent the Holy Spirit to live in us.


GOD WANTS TO SHARE HIS THOUGHTS WITH YOU!
 
Are you listening? I know I need to work on that…

Plans

I'm almost halfway through college (if I only go four years). That terrifies me. I revert back to elementary school with the question, "What do I want to do with I grow up?" Film? Interior design? Or both? Zhanna suggested set designer. That could be my dream job right there. Just one problem--I've had my heart set on Biola for transferring. They have an amazing film program but no interior design. Crap.

What do I do?

Trust God. Easier said than done. I'm a planner and have been for all my life. I've always known I wanted to go to college. Check. And have a family. No check on that yet... We'll see what God has in store. But as for my career? I've jumped around every other month that the answer to that question but never stuck with anything.

Whoever reads this blog, keep me accountable. I want to trust God completely with this. I want to follow him as he leads me where I need to go. I have no idea where that is. I want this fear to turn into excitement.

Trust.

I'm scared. I have no idea what I want to do with my life but something (God, I'm sure) is telling me I'm probably not going to stay at CCU next year. I would be a lot more OK with this if I knew where I was going. But I have no idea. Biola is my best guess, but what if I don't get in? And there's a possibility I could get into the school but not the film program. My main reason for going to Biola is for film (and the beach, of course). But what if I'm not going to be in film? What then? My only back-up would be interior design, but where would I do that? I considered Baylor for that... but tuition is $40,000. HOLY CRAP. That's more than Biola and that would be enough of a stretch.

Honestly, I would be ok if my life just dropped off after this semester. It's a coward move, I know. But what am I going to do?

Trust. Trust that God will point me in the right direction. I've never had to trust God with such a big thing before... So I'm scared. I've always had my life planned out... up until after college. Now my lack of planning my future is stressing me out. But God already planned it out. Now I've got to trust him. It would be so much easier if I didn't feel like puking or sleeping until graduation. But since when are things like this easy?

When it rains, it pours huh?

Instead of a Show by Jon Foreman

I listened to this song in the shower today and my initial thought was "Wow, SO many people need to hear this. I'm sure God is sick and tired of all of the shows they put on for Him instead of worshiping them with righteous lives."

Then I stopped and it was almost like God smacked me in the face or gave me one of those "you're kidding me" looks.

I do this all the time. I read a Bible verse or hear a sermon and think "Wow, _______ really needs to hear this." My first instinct is never to learn how it applies to my life.

God must hate the shows I put on too. Instead of living a righteous life inside and outside, I just live a righteous life outside. I sing my heart out to certain worship songs because sometimes I just like the way my voice sounds in that key. 

Lately, I've been frustrated with my relationship with God. But am I really trying to pursue him, live out "an endless procession of righteous living," or just putting on a show? 

Another initial thought I had when listening to this song was, "Wow, some people are going to be pissed at this lyric. And this one. And that one."

Because part of me was too. I like my show. I feel and look Christian-y without really having to be.

Too bad God can see through it all.

How frustrating must it be for Him to know our hearts so thoroughly? We look like we are praising Him but He knows our true motives. He just wants us to love him. Then we won't have to put on a show. It will be the real thing. 

Let's argue this out
If your sins are blood red
Let's argue this out
You be one of the clouds
Let's argue this out
Quit fooling around

We can argue with God all we want about whether or not we are putting on a show or if it's even that bad to do.

SPOILER!!! God's going to win. We're going to lose.

Wow...

People can be so lost, it just hurts. There's a church in Texas that supports homosexuality and has a video defending it on their website. A lot of what the guy is saying is basically that the Bible isn't infallible therefore we can't really trust it. He says the Bible was written by dozens of people over centuries with tons of different translation. That is absolutely correct. But then he says that that is why we can't really trust it. Yes, there are many different translations but they all basically say the same thing. All Scripture is inspired by God, how can we not trust it if we believe in God's power and sovereignty? And isn't the fact that the Bible was written by many different people of different cultures and time periods but it still has a consistent message throughout actually strengthen it? He then goes on to say that the Bible can't be read and understood completely by average readers but they have to be well-educated in order to do so. I am way less educated than Billy Graham and my pastors from home but I still am able to read the Bible and have God teach me through it. Martin Luther translated the Bible into common language so people could read it for themselves and not be fooled by false teachers.

I believe homosexuality is a sin just as much as lying, cheating, and murdering. And no, my heterosexuality doesn't save me and someone's homosexuality won't prevent them from knowing God. But in the presence of God, is it really something to argue with him about, defending homosexuality? Especially when the Bible openly says it's wrong. I'm afraid to defend my lying and cheating to him because in his eyes, it's all impurity. One thing I love about Christ is his love and mercy despite our faults. "Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace?" (Romans 6:1)

The Bible is God-breathed, we can't just ignore it or rationalize out of what it is saying.

I believe my lying is on the same level sin-wise in God's eyes as homosexuality. I know lying is wrong but I slip up sometimes. I know some people struggle with homosexuality. That won't prevent them from being a Christian anymore than someone who struggles with lying. But if someone can take a verse from the Bible:

Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God.
1 Corinthians 6:9-10

and rationalize that practicing homosexuality really doesn't count because of this and this and this and this, can we also rationalize out of sexual sin, worship idols, and the rest?



I don't know everything. I suck just as much as everyone else. I lie and cheat and steal and sin but God loves me and doesn't want me to sit in my sin. He wants to transform my life and have me turn from my sin to follow him.