I'm almost halfway through college (if I only go four years). That terrifies me. I revert back to elementary school with the question, "What do I want to do with I grow up?" Film? Interior design? Or both? Zhanna suggested set designer. That could be my dream job right there. Just one problem--I've had my heart set on Biola for transferring. They have an amazing film program but no interior design. Crap.
What do I do?
Trust God. Easier said than done. I'm a planner and have been for all my life. I've always known I wanted to go to college. Check. And have a family. No check on that yet... We'll see what God has in store. But as for my career? I've jumped around every other month that the answer to that question but never stuck with anything.
Whoever reads this blog, keep me accountable. I want to trust God completely with this. I want to follow him as he leads me where I need to go. I have no idea where that is. I want this fear to turn into excitement.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Trust.
I'm scared. I have no idea what I want to do with my life but something (God, I'm sure) is telling me I'm probably not going to stay at CCU next year. I would be a lot more OK with this if I knew where I was going. But I have no idea. Biola is my best guess, but what if I don't get in? And there's a possibility I could get into the school but not the film program. My main reason for going to Biola is for film (and the beach, of course). But what if I'm not going to be in film? What then? My only back-up would be interior design, but where would I do that? I considered Baylor for that... but tuition is $40,000. HOLY CRAP. That's more than Biola and that would be enough of a stretch.
Honestly, I would be ok if my life just dropped off after this semester. It's a coward move, I know. But what am I going to do?
Trust. Trust that God will point me in the right direction. I've never had to trust God with such a big thing before... So I'm scared. I've always had my life planned out... up until after college. Now my lack of planning my future is stressing me out. But God already planned it out. Now I've got to trust him. It would be so much easier if I didn't feel like puking or sleeping until graduation. But since when are things like this easy?
Honestly, I would be ok if my life just dropped off after this semester. It's a coward move, I know. But what am I going to do?
Trust. Trust that God will point me in the right direction. I've never had to trust God with such a big thing before... So I'm scared. I've always had my life planned out... up until after college. Now my lack of planning my future is stressing me out. But God already planned it out. Now I've got to trust him. It would be so much easier if I didn't feel like puking or sleeping until graduation. But since when are things like this easy?
Monday, January 24, 2011
When it rains, it pours huh?
Instead of a Show by Jon Foreman
I listened to this song in the shower today and my initial thought was "Wow, SO many people need to hear this. I'm sure God is sick and tired of all of the shows they put on for Him instead of worshiping them with righteous lives."
Then I stopped and it was almost like God smacked me in the face or gave me one of those "you're kidding me" looks.
I do this all the time. I read a Bible verse or hear a sermon and think "Wow, _______ really needs to hear this." My first instinct is never to learn how it applies to my life.
God must hate the shows I put on too. Instead of living a righteous life inside and outside, I just live a righteous life outside. I sing my heart out to certain worship songs because sometimes I just like the way my voice sounds in that key.
Lately, I've been frustrated with my relationship with God. But am I really trying to pursue him, live out "an endless procession of righteous living," or just putting on a show?
Another initial thought I had when listening to this song was, "Wow, some people are going to be pissed at this lyric. And this one. And that one."
Because part of me was too. I like my show. I feel and look Christian-y without really having to be.
Too bad God can see through it all.
How frustrating must it be for Him to know our hearts so thoroughly? We look like we are praising Him but He knows our true motives. He just wants us to love him. Then we won't have to put on a show. It will be the real thing.
Let's argue this out
If your sins are blood red
Let's argue this out
You be one of the clouds
Let's argue this out
Quit fooling around
If your sins are blood red
Let's argue this out
You be one of the clouds
Let's argue this out
Quit fooling around
We can argue with God all we want about whether or not we are putting on a show or if it's even that bad to do.
SPOILER!!! God's going to win. We're going to lose.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Wow...
People can be so lost, it just hurts. There's a church in Texas that supports homosexuality and has a video defending it on their website. A lot of what the guy is saying is basically that the Bible isn't infallible therefore we can't really trust it. He says the Bible was written by dozens of people over centuries with tons of different translation. That is absolutely correct. But then he says that that is why we can't really trust it. Yes, there are many different translations but they all basically say the same thing. All Scripture is inspired by God, how can we not trust it if we believe in God's power and sovereignty? And isn't the fact that the Bible was written by many different people of different cultures and time periods but it still has a consistent message throughout actually strengthen it? He then goes on to say that the Bible can't be read and understood completely by average readers but they have to be well-educated in order to do so. I am way less educated than Billy Graham and my pastors from home but I still am able to read the Bible and have God teach me through it. Martin Luther translated the Bible into common language so people could read it for themselves and not be fooled by false teachers.
I believe homosexuality is a sin just as much as lying, cheating, and murdering. And no, my heterosexuality doesn't save me and someone's homosexuality won't prevent them from knowing God. But in the presence of God, is it really something to argue with him about, defending homosexuality? Especially when the Bible openly says it's wrong. I'm afraid to defend my lying and cheating to him because in his eyes, it's all impurity. One thing I love about Christ is his love and mercy despite our faults. "Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace?" (Romans 6:1)
The Bible is God-breathed, we can't just ignore it or rationalize out of what it is saying.
I believe my lying is on the same level sin-wise in God's eyes as homosexuality. I know lying is wrong but I slip up sometimes. I know some people struggle with homosexuality. That won't prevent them from being a Christian anymore than someone who struggles with lying. But if someone can take a verse from the Bible:
Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God.
1 Corinthians 6:9-10
and rationalize that practicing homosexuality really doesn't count because of this and this and this and this, can we also rationalize out of sexual sin, worship idols, and the rest?
I don't know everything. I suck just as much as everyone else. I lie and cheat and steal and sin but God loves me and doesn't want me to sit in my sin. He wants to transform my life and have me turn from my sin to follow him.
I believe homosexuality is a sin just as much as lying, cheating, and murdering. And no, my heterosexuality doesn't save me and someone's homosexuality won't prevent them from knowing God. But in the presence of God, is it really something to argue with him about, defending homosexuality? Especially when the Bible openly says it's wrong. I'm afraid to defend my lying and cheating to him because in his eyes, it's all impurity. One thing I love about Christ is his love and mercy despite our faults. "Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace?" (Romans 6:1)
The Bible is God-breathed, we can't just ignore it or rationalize out of what it is saying.
I believe my lying is on the same level sin-wise in God's eyes as homosexuality. I know lying is wrong but I slip up sometimes. I know some people struggle with homosexuality. That won't prevent them from being a Christian anymore than someone who struggles with lying. But if someone can take a verse from the Bible:
Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God.
1 Corinthians 6:9-10
and rationalize that practicing homosexuality really doesn't count because of this and this and this and this, can we also rationalize out of sexual sin, worship idols, and the rest?
I don't know everything. I suck just as much as everyone else. I lie and cheat and steal and sin but God loves me and doesn't want me to sit in my sin. He wants to transform my life and have me turn from my sin to follow him.
Incompetent
I suck as a blogger. I don't have anything particularly inspirational or life-changing to say. I read through a friend's entire blog today and cried several times--both tears of relentless joy and sorrow. I can't move people to tears with my words like she can.
Maybe it's just not my gift. But who cares. It's my life and I'll blog if I want to.
I've been missing my home lately. I even had a dream about driving around Fort Worth and I woke up frustrated to see I was back in Colorado. My dad hates that I just can't get over it. I can't really explain why I love it so much. It's hot. It's humid. There's no pretty scenery. Traffic sucks. Drivers suck (although, I do too and I purposefully keep my Texas driver habits to hold on to something from home). It takes forever to go anywhere.
But it's also where I grew up. Where I made the best friends of my life. Where God blessed me with an amazing church family. I had no idea how hard it was to find one of those until I left. Sorry dad. Colorado is great but my heart will forever be in Fort Worth.
I love looking through the facebooks of my friends who still are blessed to experience McKinney as I did. Secretly, I was afraid what would happen to the youth group once my class left because we just seemed so epic. HA! Why did I worry? It's far from perfect but God has always been the center of that youth group and that's not going to change anytime soon.
My wonderful friends at McKinney, I stalk you. I love seeing how God is moving. It gives me hope. You will always be my family.
As you can see, I struggle with living in the past. I'm working on it. But I have made amazing friends and memories in Denver as well. I wouldn't trade them for the world. I have grown so much here, especially in the past 8 or so months and I know this is where God wants me to be right now.
Maybe it's just not my gift. But who cares. It's my life and I'll blog if I want to.
I've been missing my home lately. I even had a dream about driving around Fort Worth and I woke up frustrated to see I was back in Colorado. My dad hates that I just can't get over it. I can't really explain why I love it so much. It's hot. It's humid. There's no pretty scenery. Traffic sucks. Drivers suck (although, I do too and I purposefully keep my Texas driver habits to hold on to something from home). It takes forever to go anywhere.
But it's also where I grew up. Where I made the best friends of my life. Where God blessed me with an amazing church family. I had no idea how hard it was to find one of those until I left. Sorry dad. Colorado is great but my heart will forever be in Fort Worth.
I love looking through the facebooks of my friends who still are blessed to experience McKinney as I did. Secretly, I was afraid what would happen to the youth group once my class left because we just seemed so epic. HA! Why did I worry? It's far from perfect but God has always been the center of that youth group and that's not going to change anytime soon.
My wonderful friends at McKinney, I stalk you. I love seeing how God is moving. It gives me hope. You will always be my family.
As you can see, I struggle with living in the past. I'm working on it. But I have made amazing friends and memories in Denver as well. I wouldn't trade them for the world. I have grown so much here, especially in the past 8 or so months and I know this is where God wants me to be right now.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
First attempt!
My first video project :) With a TON of help from my wonderful roomies Sarah and Zhanna <3
Friday, January 14, 2011
Deep breath and...
I've been stressing a lot lately. Why in the world do I think I have a shot at being in the film program at Biola? I've had 0 experience. What if I suck? Then what do I do?
But then yesterday I realized if this is really what God wants me to do, he will give me the talent or the drive to learn as much as I can. If this is God's plan for my life, nothing can stop me, not even my own incompetence. And if this isn't God's plan for my life... well... I hope he'll let me know! I just turned in my applications for Biola and the Cinema and Media Arts Department today so it's all in God's hands now.
Luckily, if I do end up going to Biola one of my roommates may transfer with me! It would be so good to have a familiar face around.
So God, it's all in your hands.
Your own ears will hear him.
Right behind you a voice will say,
“This is the way you should go,”
whether to the right or to the left.
But then yesterday I realized if this is really what God wants me to do, he will give me the talent or the drive to learn as much as I can. If this is God's plan for my life, nothing can stop me, not even my own incompetence. And if this isn't God's plan for my life... well... I hope he'll let me know! I just turned in my applications for Biola and the Cinema and Media Arts Department today so it's all in God's hands now.
Luckily, if I do end up going to Biola one of my roommates may transfer with me! It would be so good to have a familiar face around.
So God, it's all in your hands.
Your own ears will hear him.
Right behind you a voice will say,
“This is the way you should go,”
whether to the right or to the left.
Isaiah 30:21
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Delimma
I hate how my top two career choices aren't offered at CCU.
Film.
or
Interior Design.
Dear CCU,
Please have one of these majors. That would make life so much easier.
Love,
Melanie
Film.
or
Interior Design.
Dear CCU,
Please have one of these majors. That would make life so much easier.
Love,
Melanie
Friday, January 7, 2011
Late Night Rants
So I've started a blog a couple times but never really stuck with it. I doubt I'll stick to this one either. But it's 1 am and I can't sleep. I've been staying up until at least 2 every night this week watching Greek -- new favorite show and I'm in love with Cappie -- but I only have 5 episodes left to watch and I'm not ready to be done with it yet. So I'm procrastinating. Like I do with everything else.
Had a near-break down last night and was texting my roommate about it. I'm considering transferring to Biola to become a film major. The early action application is due next Saturday and I'm kind of freaking out about it. I have no experience whatsoever in film but I think I may enjoy it so I'm taking a production class at CCU this semester to find out. Unfortunately, CCU doesn't have a film program so I'm not exactly sure how this class will pan out but I hope it will give me an idea. But Biola is more expensive than CCU and I was hoping to get a certain scholarship to help me out. Sucky part is that I have to have a 3.75 GPA for this scholarship but I have a 3.748 so I have to go to the next scholarship which is $3,000 less. This is what triggered my freak out last night. And what if I'm not good at film? What if I end up hating it? I guess I would stay at CCU in that instance. Hopefully if that happens I'll be able to be an RA next year (I'm applying to Biola and to be an RA at CCU within the next 2 weeks). If I stay at CCU, should I continue to be a Communications major? Then what would I do with that degree?
A few weeks ago Sarah said I was having a quarter-life crisis. Sounds about right to me.
I know that God has a plan for me no matter what I decide to do. Now I just need help with the decision part. I'm not freaking out as much anymore, although I am still a bit uneasy. But hopefully this production class could help me decide whether or not this is what I want to do. Plus, Sarah and Ellie and I are hoping to go visit Biola over spring break so I can tour the school. And even though I apply to Biola doesn't mean I have to commit to it. It's just an option.
And what part of video production would I want to do? I don't want to be famous or live in New York or LA. If I have a family with kids one day I want to raise them in a suburb, not a big city with snooty kids. If that were to happen, I would have to gain a lot more self control to keep myself from smacking the crap out of those brats and their pompous parents. No, I would rather live somewhere like Seattle or Charleston. Hopefully in an awesome loft that looks like the inside of an Anthropologie store but about a million times cheaper. But when it comes to film, could I still make a decent living not famous or living in the big entertainment cities? I'm sure I could... I really have no idea.
It's time to go back to school so I can hash this out with my roommates.
Here's another worry of mine: boys. I think my view about guys has been screwed up, thanks to my older sister. She is SO dependent on guys and all of her boyfriends have sucked. Right now she's living with her boyfriend/baby daddy and it's nothing but drama. They broke up yesterday and I was so glad because I thought MAYBE she could finally learn that when you depend your entire life on a guy, you end up unhappy. She's always been unhappy because she settles for crappy guys. All this boyfriend does is play video games and mooch off of Andrea to buy more. He even said to her yesterday that he was only living with her to play his games. And she still took him back "looking out for Cadence's best interests." It is not in her best interest for her mom to be so dependent on a loser. It's in her best interest for her mom to become independent and happy in order to raise Cadence to be the same way.
What does this have to do with my boy problems? Well, I've never had a boyfriend which really bothered me for a long time until just recently. I always thought something was wrong with me because I've never experienced that part of life even though Andrea has experienced it enough for the both of us. Until just recently, I've never liked a guy who liked me back. Turns out, we liked each other at the end of last semester and didn't realize it. We started "talking" a few weeks ago but I didn't have peace about him so I asked to just be friends. Apparently he was relieved because he didn't really like me (even though he flirted with me hardcore) but instead liked my best friend slash direct roommate. Life is just grand sometimes. I'm still a bit bitter about the whole thing but I'm over him. He was a jerk for leading me on like that anyway.
I still can't quite figure out what I've learned from that situation. I am proud to say, though, that I did not revert back to my self-deprecating shell because of it. That's huge for me. If this were to happen a few months ago, I would have gotten super depressed and tell myself how I should have expected this and I'm just not __________ enough or else he would have liked me. Blah blah blah. But not this time. Thanks to the suckiest semester of my life, I was actually able to grow quite a bit these past few months. At least, enough to break my self-deprecating habit. Not completely yet, but still quite a bit.
I guard my heart really well. Maybe too well. I don't want to give my heart to any guy who passes by like my dear big sis. I love her but I don't want to be like her. I imagine my heart to be locked up in a steel trunk, kind of like the ones in Harry Potter, hoping that at some point God will show me a guy who holds the key (cheesy metaphor but just go with it). Or maybe I have the key and will give it to him. Who knows. Something that stumps me: what if I've made it too hard for a guy to earn that key? Going further with that thought: I'm not _______ enough for a guy to want to earn that key. Once again, self-deprecation. God tells me that that's not true. I am ________ enough for a guy to want to earn the key and pursue that key. God has made me with all my characteristics, including my slight commitment-phobia, so who's to say that I'm not enough or even too much?
Sarah says I'm going to be one of those girls who ends up marrying my first and only boyfriend. I hope so. I don't want to give my heart away just to have it handed back to me in a slightly worse state than before. I'm not saying that dating different people throughout your life is wrong. I know plenty of people who have dated and experience break ups but have become stronger and more confident because of it. I don't doubt that could happen to me too. I would just rather save my heart for whoever God has planned for me. There is no reason for this to not happen for me, contrary to what I've told myself for years.
BUT. This life shouldn't be about who I will potentially marry and my life with him. It should be about my relationship with God. I don't have to wait around for God because I already have him. I lose sight of that more often than I care to admit.
Had a near-break down last night and was texting my roommate about it. I'm considering transferring to Biola to become a film major. The early action application is due next Saturday and I'm kind of freaking out about it. I have no experience whatsoever in film but I think I may enjoy it so I'm taking a production class at CCU this semester to find out. Unfortunately, CCU doesn't have a film program so I'm not exactly sure how this class will pan out but I hope it will give me an idea. But Biola is more expensive than CCU and I was hoping to get a certain scholarship to help me out. Sucky part is that I have to have a 3.75 GPA for this scholarship but I have a 3.748 so I have to go to the next scholarship which is $3,000 less. This is what triggered my freak out last night. And what if I'm not good at film? What if I end up hating it? I guess I would stay at CCU in that instance. Hopefully if that happens I'll be able to be an RA next year (I'm applying to Biola and to be an RA at CCU within the next 2 weeks). If I stay at CCU, should I continue to be a Communications major? Then what would I do with that degree?
A few weeks ago Sarah said I was having a quarter-life crisis. Sounds about right to me.
I know that God has a plan for me no matter what I decide to do. Now I just need help with the decision part. I'm not freaking out as much anymore, although I am still a bit uneasy. But hopefully this production class could help me decide whether or not this is what I want to do. Plus, Sarah and Ellie and I are hoping to go visit Biola over spring break so I can tour the school. And even though I apply to Biola doesn't mean I have to commit to it. It's just an option.
And what part of video production would I want to do? I don't want to be famous or live in New York or LA. If I have a family with kids one day I want to raise them in a suburb, not a big city with snooty kids. If that were to happen, I would have to gain a lot more self control to keep myself from smacking the crap out of those brats and their pompous parents. No, I would rather live somewhere like Seattle or Charleston. Hopefully in an awesome loft that looks like the inside of an Anthropologie store but about a million times cheaper. But when it comes to film, could I still make a decent living not famous or living in the big entertainment cities? I'm sure I could... I really have no idea.
It's time to go back to school so I can hash this out with my roommates.
Here's another worry of mine: boys. I think my view about guys has been screwed up, thanks to my older sister. She is SO dependent on guys and all of her boyfriends have sucked. Right now she's living with her boyfriend/baby daddy and it's nothing but drama. They broke up yesterday and I was so glad because I thought MAYBE she could finally learn that when you depend your entire life on a guy, you end up unhappy. She's always been unhappy because she settles for crappy guys. All this boyfriend does is play video games and mooch off of Andrea to buy more. He even said to her yesterday that he was only living with her to play his games. And she still took him back "looking out for Cadence's best interests." It is not in her best interest for her mom to be so dependent on a loser. It's in her best interest for her mom to become independent and happy in order to raise Cadence to be the same way.
What does this have to do with my boy problems? Well, I've never had a boyfriend which really bothered me for a long time until just recently. I always thought something was wrong with me because I've never experienced that part of life even though Andrea has experienced it enough for the both of us. Until just recently, I've never liked a guy who liked me back. Turns out, we liked each other at the end of last semester and didn't realize it. We started "talking" a few weeks ago but I didn't have peace about him so I asked to just be friends. Apparently he was relieved because he didn't really like me (even though he flirted with me hardcore) but instead liked my best friend slash direct roommate. Life is just grand sometimes. I'm still a bit bitter about the whole thing but I'm over him. He was a jerk for leading me on like that anyway.
I still can't quite figure out what I've learned from that situation. I am proud to say, though, that I did not revert back to my self-deprecating shell because of it. That's huge for me. If this were to happen a few months ago, I would have gotten super depressed and tell myself how I should have expected this and I'm just not __________ enough or else he would have liked me. Blah blah blah. But not this time. Thanks to the suckiest semester of my life, I was actually able to grow quite a bit these past few months. At least, enough to break my self-deprecating habit. Not completely yet, but still quite a bit.
I guard my heart really well. Maybe too well. I don't want to give my heart to any guy who passes by like my dear big sis. I love her but I don't want to be like her. I imagine my heart to be locked up in a steel trunk, kind of like the ones in Harry Potter, hoping that at some point God will show me a guy who holds the key (cheesy metaphor but just go with it). Or maybe I have the key and will give it to him. Who knows. Something that stumps me: what if I've made it too hard for a guy to earn that key? Going further with that thought: I'm not _______ enough for a guy to want to earn that key. Once again, self-deprecation. God tells me that that's not true. I am ________ enough for a guy to want to earn the key and pursue that key. God has made me with all my characteristics, including my slight commitment-phobia, so who's to say that I'm not enough or even too much?
Sarah says I'm going to be one of those girls who ends up marrying my first and only boyfriend. I hope so. I don't want to give my heart away just to have it handed back to me in a slightly worse state than before. I'm not saying that dating different people throughout your life is wrong. I know plenty of people who have dated and experience break ups but have become stronger and more confident because of it. I don't doubt that could happen to me too. I would just rather save my heart for whoever God has planned for me. There is no reason for this to not happen for me, contrary to what I've told myself for years.
BUT. This life shouldn't be about who I will potentially marry and my life with him. It should be about my relationship with God. I don't have to wait around for God because I already have him. I lose sight of that more often than I care to admit.
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